I Still Struggle

It’s been 2 years since I was diagnosed with postpartum depression, and about a year since I began treatment for postpartum psychosis.

You’d think I’d have it all figured out by now, right? Well if you’ve been around a while, none of this will come as a surprise to you.

Here’s the truth; even on medication, I still fight bouts of cyclical depression, intrusive thoughts and to be fully transparent I had a psychotic experience about 8 weeks ago. (But in all fairness, NyQuil was involved so I’ve passed it off as a fluke.)

I still really struggle with the PTSD/anxiety from the psychosis. I have a really tainted relationship with my brain… I just can’t trust it. I still have trouble going to my office, and I’m only in the office 2 days a week… but that still sometimes gives me extreme anxiety… I’ve learned that sometimes I have to let anxiety win. When I get so anxious I have trouble breathing, or it makes me physically sick, I let my boss know I need to work from home that day. We have an unspoken understanding that this means I’m in a bad spot and I need a day. I’m really lucky that she is as accepting of this as she is. I also still have a hard time with crowded places; in fact, I’m already anxious about an upcoming family gathering. I avoid grocery stores. Restaurants stress me out but I’m getting better at them and have learned to distract myself while dining out.

Logically, I talk myself through these situations in advance. There is going to be ambient noise. There are going to be multiple conversations happening, possibly loud noises, this will be normal. But when it happens, when I’m in the thick of it, I feel like I have so little control. My heart races, my hands start to shake, my breath feels like its stuck in my throat, I go into fight or flight. When I finally get back into my comfort zone it feels like I’ve run a half marathon. It’s exhausting, its defeating, its unhelpful. It’s something I’m working on in therapy.

I still have a lot of work to do. But I do believe that overall, I’m in a way better place. I finally broke out of depression survival mode (DSM) and started doing things for me again. DSM is the place depressed people get stuck. DSM is using all the energy you have to just to scrape by the day-to-day stuff. Getting out of that rut has been really freeing for me. I’ve taken up running and have been reading 3-4 books a week. It feels so good to have hobbies and personal interests again. Something to give me purpose outside of being a wife, a mother, and accountant.

In the grand scheme of things I feel like a completely different person than I was even a few short months ago. I feel so far removed from the darkness that once ruled my every move.

The other day I was driving and caught a glimpse of the tattoo on my wrist. The semicolon represents an authors choice to continue a sentence instead of ending a complete thought; and the cross represents the faith I learned to lean on when things got dark.  When I got the tattoo, I intended for it to be a reminder of my faith and my second chance at life. But in that moment, I was reminded of my strength and my many blessings – all the things I almost lost. I’ve grown so much. I’ve overcome the hardest 2 years of my life. Tears filled my eyes as I thought about the special moments over the last year I would have missed if I had let suicide win.  I almost missed out on getting to watch my baby grow up, my greatest joy.

I don’t know how I made it out alive. But I did. And I’m better for it. I had a lot of help but there were things I had to learn on my own. Things only I could do to help myself.

1. Even the worst version of yourself deserves patience and grace.  

-  Be kind to yourself. Talk to yourself the way you talk to your child. You deserve the same amount of gentleness and care.

- “You are worthy. You are good. You are safe. You are loved.”

2. Be grateful for every little thing

-  Everyday say, out loud, 5 things your grateful for. The out loud part is important.

- “I GET to read my son a book today. I GET to eat lunch today. I GET to watch tiktok with no pants on.”

3. If God woke you up today, you BELONG in this life.

-  The only way to find out why God woke you up today, is to keep living.

-  YOU belong here. When you feel like you’ve lost control. When you feel alone. When everything is going wrong. When you feel like death is the only option – You. Belong. Here.

(IF you or your loved one is struggling with intrusive thoughts, reach out to the suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255. If you ever just need someone to hear you out, to feel less alone in your thoughts, don’t want to feel judged by someone who has never dealt with depression, my DMS are always open.)