No More Meds

Hi friends, long time no see. The fall is my busiest season both at work and home so I’ve been a little MIA, but I’m back with some classic TMI and internet oversharing.

Its been no secret that my husband and I have been trying for #2 for a little over a year and a half. We got cleared by doctors to start Clomid, a fertility treatment, to help us along. On its own, this has been difficult. My body doesn’t react well to hormone intervention and therefore the side effects like nausea and vomiting have taken over my life… this lasts about 3 weeks during every clomid cycle… its like morning sickness all over again. Our first round of clomid failed and we are currently on our second cycle… but, the kicker is, we can only take this medicine for 3 months… so if this cycle fails, we only have one more shot…

Which brings me to my newest update. After a lot of thought, research, and prayer, I’ve decided to start tapering off my anti-psychotics. Every doctor has said I would be safe, and I didn’t need to taper, but I feel in my gut that me not getting pregnant has SOMETHING to do with my medications… So I wanted to be off of them by the time we start our 3rd and final cycle of Clomid.

Well actually I wanted to taper off my anti-depressants too, but my psychiatrist told me not to do them at the same time, so we’re starting with the anti-psychotics.

Physically, this transition has been TOUGH… I was warned that withdrawal could come in the form of nausea and vomiting or headaches but I cockily thought, “can’t be worse than how clomid already makes me feel”…. And I was wrong… it got worse… and because I have to taper in 3 phases, I can look forward to 2 more withdrawals in the next 4 weeks.

I’ve been so stable lately, and I knew I didn’t want to be on these meds forever so I’m just going for it… but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. A million questions run through my mind everyday… will the psychosis come back? Am I stable without medication? Will I be like this forever? My anxiety about it is endless… but at the end of the day, I want to grow my family more than anything in the world, and that is what is taking priority right now.

So that’s the update, I hardly feel like a person, and I am struggling hard both mentally and physically. The prayers, vibes, baby dust, etc. would all be greatly appreciated as I navigate this journey of fertility and psychosis.

Ps - if you’ve successfully tapered off an anti-psychotic or anti-depressant, can you hit my DMs with your experience? I’d love to feel a little less alone.