Life Update

Hello!

Long time, no update, friends.

My last real blog, at least posted on the website, was on November 7th, 2022…. So. Almost 9 months ago.

Absolutely no real life update since then, great checking in, bye!!

Just kidding, since my last update, our whole world has changed. If you don’t follow me elsewhere, here is the update short and sweet, and then we’ll get into the nitty gritty.

-          November 2022: I weaned off of my anti-psychotic medicine after 18 months. It was absolutely miserable, but we made it work. The doctor recommended I do it over 3 months and I said “hold my beer” and weaned off of Geodon in less than 6 weeks…. (do not do this, please)

-          December 2022: our 3rd cycle of clomid (fertility treatment) WORKED. Sort of. It worked in the sense that I FINALLY ovulated after 2 years of unexplained secondary infertility. However, it failed in the sense that I did not get pregnant. Also, I broke my ankle (again) (no, not the one I broke in august, the other one… WHILE in the office… HELLLOOO workman’s comp(kidding, a joke, it is not fun times, lots of paperwork) and would later find out I need surgery to repair the ligaments ruptured in the incident.

-          January 2023: Super busy month from what I remember. Our 4th round of clomid is successful, I ovulate, we do not conceive. We make the executive decision to stop fertility treatments temporarily and explore other options some time later in the spring….

Ok… here is where it gets interesting.

-          February 4th, 2023: our house catches fire and burns to the ground. No really. It is gone gone.

-          February 9th, 2023: my sweet 13 year old dog, Luke, can not overcome the stress of the fire, and has to be put down.

-          Sometime at the end of February 2023: I realize I have not had a period yet, and to my absolute SHOCK and SURPRISE, we find out we have naturally conceived after 2 years of grueling infertility.

So, nitty gritty.

I’ll just make this also short and sweet, here are the answers to our most frequently asked questions:

-          No, we didn’t recover anything in the house. We lost 99% of our belongings, including my car

-          We stayed at a friends AirBNB for a week, then a hotel for a little bit, then back the BNB until the end of March.

-          At the end of March, my parents bought a rental property for us, we moved in at the beginning of April. That is where we will stay until the house is rebuilt.

-          Fire started in the garage, spread quickly to some flammables, exploded a propane tank and some gas tanks… fueled by a south wind with the garage door open, the house didn’t really stand a chance.

-          Probably a power strip? Maybe a battery tender? Maybe just the outlet? It was unclear. Definitely electrical though.

-          Yes. We were insured.

-          Yes, we intend on rebuilding on our property, the contractor expects the process to take about a year.

-          If I could go back in time and save one thing, it would be the Christmas ornaments

-          The remnants of the house were demolished at the beginning of May. Its now just a large sandpit with a gravel driveway. Even with no house on the lot, we call it the “broken house” we visit a lot because, well, when your house is on fire and you have to run naked (no, really, I was not clothed) to your neighbors house for shelter and childcare… you get bonded in an unbreakable way, we are family now.

Okay. Lets fast forward to now, July 2023.

Currently, I am 25 weeks along, with a baby GIRL. If I am being completely honest, this season of life has been so incredibly hard.

I’m tired. I’m overwhelmed. I’m STRUGGLING.

In absolutely every aspect of my life, I am treading water.

AT HOME: we have what we need. we’ve replaced most of our *essentials* … you know, like a car, beds, couches, cookware, stuff you use everyday. EXCEPT, anything that requires much of a design choice. Reese and I are too overwhelmed to pull the trigger on those things like Plates/Bowls/Cups – nope. Silverware? Nope. Home Décor????? Absolutely not. So we *live* here, but it doesn’t feel much like ~home~ here…. As far as day to day life, we get through… I don’t cook as much as I used to. Its hard for the boys to live in town (I married a caveman and gave birth to a nudist). I finally caved and hired a housekeeper to help me keep up with maintenance.

AT WORK: after the fire my work gave me 30 days off, it was SUCH a blessing. With reese returning to work after one week, I was the one having to meet with adjusters, settle with insurance, all the chores and bs that came with it. After that month I returned to work and genuinely, the trauma had completely wiped my brain. I struggled to catch up, but did eventually, and then we got slammed with an unexpected busy season, and also pregnancy brain and being generally overwhelmed and well… lets just say my boss and I have not been seeing eye to eye. Without getting into a ton of detail, its been a rough go since I returned.

MENTALLY:

Right after the fire, I was gutted. Deeply depressed. I thought we would never recover. I’d lost my first baby, my dog Luke, who had been by myside since i was 15. I cried daily. A lot of the time 3-4x daily. At one point I asked my husband, “at what point do I stop crying everyday?” and he responded, “well, I did for about 2 weeks, and based off our emotional baselines, that puts you around a month and a half or 2.” …… which really made me laugh at the time, and I sort of agreed with him, but he was wrong.

Shortly after this conversation, I realized I was a few days late… Reese was convinced I was pregnant. I was convinced I was not meant to be pregnant ever again, and that the fire was proof of that (it didn’t make sense, but move on, it was a faith crisis).

After about a week of having “symptoms” here and there, I finally bought a couple tests. I woke up one morning, took a test, placed it upside down on the counter and left to get ridge ready for school. I forgot about the stupid test. I come back to the bathroom 20 minutes later after making ridge breakfast, and as I’m brushing my teeth I remember it. I casually flipped it over, absolutely sure it was going to be another negative and clear as day it was POSITIVE. THAT was the day I stopped crying everyday (which is weird because you’d think pregnancy would make it worse, right??)

This baby saved me. She was gift from Heaven at a time I so badly needed to hear from God. My miracle baby. She pulled me right out of my sinking depression and put things into perfect perspective.

-          Thank GOD we didn’t have a baby when the house caught fire… the nursery was one of the most badly burned rooms in the house, the first room it spread to, and the fire started DURING nap time. (see picture below, but you’ve been warned, its pretty sad)

-          Thank GOD I wasn’t heavily pregnant when the house caught fire…the stress alone could have sent me into preterm labor, potentially harming me or the baby.

Not only those two timings being perfect, but everything else seemed to fall into place…

We loved our little house, but it was never intended to be our forever home. We were going to outgrow it within a few years… but we couldn’t imagine ever leaving that property. We had begun small renovations, but had explored what it would take to add on 1,500 sq ft addition, but it seemed expensive and unobtainable with young children in the house….

Now, by the grace of God, we get to build our DREAM HOME on our PERFECT property with our chosen FAMILY as neighbors. FROM SCRATCH. That’s amazing!!!! A once in a lifetime opportunity! A blessing!

It sometimes feels so far away from being reality, but in 5 years, this will feel like a distant (dark and tragic) memory. At least that’s what I tell myself when things get hard.

Had it not been for baby girl, I truly don’t believe I would have been able to see the blessing in this so soon, if ever at all.

Don’t get me wrong… this still sucks a lot, all the time. Little reminders of things we lost will set me into a downward spiral… wanting a piece of clothing, seeing pictures of ridge with a special blanket or in baby clothes we thought all of kids would wear…. Shoot the other day I cried over a tomato that triggered a memory of our garden. Grief hits in waves. Its never ending, but we are choosing to grow around it.

THE BABY: Ok, so this post is a rollercoaster of emotions so far, right? Ups, downs, deep deep lows, unimaginable highs… That’s exactly how my mental health has been, a rollercoaster. Somedays are so busy, I forget I’m pregnant. Somedays I’m so busy, all I can think about is being pregnant. I’ve been into lists and bulletpoints this post so lets just keep it going, shall we? Here are all my pregnancy/new baby/postpartum related anxieties…

-          For starters, we have no baby items, we lost all that, and we have not even began to replace anything. We don’t really even have a “nursery” for her in our new house, we plan on just keeping her in our room until the house is done…whenever that is.

-          After struggling with infertility for so long, I am so so so afraid I am going to lose her, or do something that will harm her. Way more paranoid than I was with ridge.

-          Also, she is WILD. I have been feeling her kick since TWELVE weeks… she kicks so hard that reese felt her at 16 weeks. At her ultrasound, she looked right at the monitor and smiled the biggest open mouth smile the ultrasound tech said he’d ever seen…. I think my girl is going to have quite the personality, and she has already filled us up with so much joy, it doesn’t surprise me one bit that she also radiates it.

-          While I’ve always wanted to grow our family, I am so scared a new baby will take time away from Ridge… which I mean is inevitable, because babies also need attention I hear, but I am so afraid to miss out on Ridges milestones too… I’m afraid I won’t be able to handle splitting my attention in two.

-          POSTPARTUM. Ugh, I really try hard not to think about this because I am more afraid of it than I am willing to admit. Its no secret postpartum rocked my world. I ended up suicidal and having hallucinations, narrowly evading a stay in a psych ward and being on anti-psychotics for 18 months… I used to say I was prepared for round two because “I had all the available resources”…. But, to be honest, this time around I really don’t. I have my husband, I have my therapist… but my psychiatrist (the best, my biggest champion) had a health issue and was forced to retire shortly after the fire, and I have not sought out a replacement. Partly because I’m busy, partly because I’m in denial that I need one, and partly because I went through 3 the first time I shopped for psychs and had an absolutely horrible experience and don’t want to have to go through that again. I am terrified of postpartum. Terrified this time won’t be different.

Well, so much for keeping that short and sweet. Now were all up to speed. It felt good to get it all down, to finally write again… its been so long, I forgot how much I loved doing it and how easy it felt to write the things that were hard to say aloud. Hopefully this keeps me motivated to keep updating the blog. I’ve had so many PPD/PPP mamas who have followed my journey over the last 3.5 years reach out for guidance, or ask how its going, and I want to be open and honest with this second baby… I have no idea what the future or my mental health holds, but for the first time in a long time I feel hopeful.

Here are some pictures of things i mentioned, the images of the fire and the aftermath may be triggering so, be advised.

Picture 1 - the house shortly after we all got out

Picture 2 - The nursery

Picture 3 - Baby K’s SHOCKING pregnancy test

Picture 4 - Demo Day!

Picture 5 - Baby K at 20 week Ultrasound, looking DIRECTLY into the screen and SMILING

Picture 6 - our growing family on our 4th of july vacation, i was 20 or 21 weeks along?

Life After Psychosis

I want to preface this with 2 things.

1. I think I am doing good, great, even. I am as stable as I could ask for, my medication routine is working for me, I haven’t had a hallucination in nearly 4 months and my depression is, for now, controlled. I am thriving. I am in a place that even 6-8 months ago I thought I would absolutely never see, and I am so proud of myself for getting here.

2. This is just my experience. I don’t speak on behalf of every person who has experienced psychosis, but for me - this is what life after psychosis has looked like.

Ok, now that the housekeeping is out of the way, let me tell you why postpartum psychosis continues to ruin my life, even 4 months removed from my last “episode”.

That’s half a joke, and half only funny because its true.

Before psychosis, I struggled with PTSD from an accident I had in college. The accident caused damage to my lungs, and after that every time I felt even a little bit out of breath – my brain would go into fight or flight and start to go into “panic” mode about not being able to breathe. These anxiety attacks were infrequent, and in the grand scheme of things – not that bad.

Fast forward to now. I’d kill for a panic attack that minor again. But oh no no no, not this new Tiffy. New Tiffy, post-postpartum psychosis Tiffy, PTSD controls so much of her life now.

For a solid year and a half, my brain tricked me about once a week… So, somewhere around 78 times my brain convinced me of something that was not real.

Imagine finding out your spouse lied to you 78 times. SEVENTY-EIGHT lies, from little white lies about your cooking, to really big lies about their loyalty or faithfulness. That would lead most people to divorce, or at least into extensive couple’s therapy. Would you be able to just ~*trust*~ them right away? Absolutely not, they have lost that right and not earned a dime of it back.

This is the relationship I have with my brain now. I just don’t trust it. When I feel the most untrusting of my brain, I start to panic about my perception of reality.

I hate the word “triggered” but I am about to use it a lot, so -  here we go.

There are certain situations I know will trigger me to question my reality, and I struggle with these almost daily.

• Noises I can’t identify (also, loud noises) -  Thumps, whispers, creaking, people on the other side of a wall talking on the phone, people wearing masks and having a conversation. Can’t handle it.

• Large gatherings - People gathered into a space where multiple conversations are being had simultaneously. Can’t handle it.

The most triggering place for me is my office. There is a lot of both of those things happening at the office. I used to be so panicked about the office that I was throwing up, daily, at just the anticipation of having to go. I have worked through a lot of that anxiety that its not “throw-up-panic-attack” bad anymore. But its bad enough that I only go into the office 2x a week, and the thought of doing more than that does still make me want to throw up. When the construction began in the office above mine, the thumps and drilling noises made me spiral so badly I was nearly in tears when my boss told me to just go home. The spiral doesn’t end when I leave the office, either. It puts me in a headspace that follows me home, has me questioning my house as it creaks or the oven as it ticks… for the rest of the day my body stays in *panic* mode until I am so drained I fall asleep by, or before, 8 pm.

The other most triggering thing for me lately has been family gatherings. I’ve got a big, loud, crazy family that I love more than anything in the world, BUT yikes has it been hard to be a part of it lately.

Last month we had my favorite yearly family get together. It’s the guaranteed one time of year we are all going to be in one place, have a good time, play charades, and just hang out. This year, we even had limited the number of people so instead of a normal 75-100 people there was only about 25 of us… it was so physically and emotionally draining for me to be there, I had to excuse myself before my favorite part, the charades, even started. It was just too overwhelming to be in a conversation and be hearing 3 other conversations, then I start to panic about whether or not those are actual conversations or if I am just hearing voices on top of my own conversation… the whole thing is a mess in my head but it all leads to the same place – panic. Panic, for me, is usually followed by a full-body shut down. I get so overstimulated, I quite literally run out of battery power, and can not function without just going to sleep. I left the party early, went straight to sleep, and slept through the peak of the party. That was the second time in a week I had to leave a family function early.

It’s pretty defeating to be the person who just *can’t handle* daily office work or simple family functions. It’s pretty disparaging to be controlled by small, meaningless sounds. I’ve put so much work into returning to “normalcy” and it can all feel wasted after just a single “thump”.

I think I am making progress though, and that’s what keeps me going to the office when I can or pushing out of my comfort zone and forcing myself into large gatherings.  

This is what “normal” looks like after psychosis. Its over-run and dominated by the inability to trust your own brain. Everyday I celebrate small victories like grocery shopping without being triggered or lasting in my office for a full 9 hours without crying or throwing up.

I don’t know if this is how I’ll be forever, but I am hopeful I can keep working through it one small victory at a time.

My Angel Baby

When we found out about you, I felt so woefully unprepared, but instinctually ready. Still in shock, your dad and I spent our nights talking about what your name would be, fantasizing what becoming parents would be like. We excitedly planned for our next adventure, loving you more with every minute.

You and I were connected, and I found reassurance in knowing I was solely responsible for keeping you safe.

Until I failed.

It happened fast, within a few hours, but time moved painfully slow.

The shock of loss was more intense than the shock of a positive test. The joy we had instantly turned to shame and grief.

I’d never experienced grief so physically. It hurt so deep in my chest, radiating down through my body, and sinking in my gut. I would have given the world, my last dollar, my anything to bring you back.

Even all these years later, I want you to know you aren’t forgotten. You are with us constantly, I see you in every flower, every beautiful sunset and especially in rainbows. I think about you often. I wonder who you would have been, what your favorite toy would have been, what your little quirks could have been, what kind of sleeper you would have been. I think about your brother, Ridge, did you get to meet him first? Did y’all get along? Would y’all have been best friends? With every milestone he reaches, I’m saddened by the memories and milestones I missed out on with you. Every year on your heavenly birthday, we make you a cake and celebrate the mark you had on our world for the short time you were in it.

For a long time, we kept you a secret. We grieved alone, silently. I felt guilty for not naming you. I felt ashamed of my body, of my inability. I believed that I was at fault, that I had done something wrong and caused you harm. With time, growth, and healing, I no longer feel that way. I refuse to feel shame about what happened, about you.

The world kept turning, but I was never the same. They say a mother’s grief will last a lifetime, and I believe that’s true. You are the one who first made me a mommy, and a part of me died with you. I love you now even more than I loved you then.

Happy Heavenly Birthday, my sweet angel baby.