TTC

For a few months now my husband and I have been trying to conceive (TTC). While I am overjoyed at the thought of becoming a mom again, I can’t help but be anxious about all the other things TTC brings for me.

Emotionally, this journey so far has been exhausting. We never really “tried” with my last two pregnancies, they were effortless and exciting in their own way. This one is different. Every month I pin down my “fertile” days and follow them closely, monitoring my body carefully for signs of ovulation. Then 2 weeks later I have the excitement of peeing on a stick and trying not to get my hopes up. Each negative test is more devastating than the last. Then my period comes, my heart sinks, my dream of another baby feels further and further away….and then we start the process over again. It’s a discouraging rollercoaster.

TTC – 1, Tiffy – 0.

Then there’s controlling what I can control… and that comes with another hard battle for me: breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding hormones can act as a natural birth control, making it more difficult to get pregnant. For the past few months, I avoided research and wrote this off as a myth, telling myself I could do both. However, TTC has become so devastating that I finally have to face the facts. It’s time for us to end our breastfeeding journey. On top of TTC, I always told myself “When he can ask for it, he’s too old for it” … well, just this week he started saying “booby” when he was ready for milk. That solidified this decision for me, it’s time to quit.

I am so proud of how far we’ve come. For 2 years my body has been able to provide nutrition and comfort for my baby. Breastfeeding created a bond with my son that carried me through my darkest moments. I may not have survived my fight against depression and suicide, I quite literally owe my life to breastfeeding. I can’t help but mourn the end of this journey and all that it has done for me.

TTC – 2, Tiffy – 0.

On to the things I can’t control. The “what ifs”.

This one is big. This one is scary.

Its no secret I have struggled A LOT in postpartum. Am I ready to start it all over again? What if its better? What if its worse? Can I handle hallucinations again? Depression? Suicidal thoughts? Am I being selfish by risking Ridge’s ‘healthy’ and ‘stable’ mother for another child? I am so quick to let my thoughts spiral and create a sinking feeling in my gut.

TTC – 3, Tiffy – 0.  

These are questions in conversations I’ve had many times with my husband, my therapist and my psychiatrist.

All those conversations have led me to one conclusion. The answer to every single one of those questions is “I don’t know”. BUT! And this is a big BUT!

BUT – I have already done the dirty work; I have built my foundation of resources. I know the signs of struggle, I have grown to be more self-aware, I have my support team at the ready.

TTC – 3, Tiffy – 1.

Since the very beginning, I have been so meticulous and intentional about medication. I have been breastfeeding through this journey, therefore, every medication I have been prescribed has had to have been safe for nursing. However, I also made sure my medication routine would be safe for pregnancy as well – I have gotten it cleared with both my psychiatrist and OB-GYN. I won’t have to go through the process of weaning or be weary of potentially hurting my child. I feel safe. I feel prepared.

TTC – 3, Tiffy – 2.

While the score may portray a losing game now, the final score is determined just like quidditch. The snitch is worth 150 points. One of these days, whether it be next month or 18 months from now, I’ll catch my snitch, the test will be positive, and I will get to spend 9 months absolutely thrilled to be throwing up every day (that’s how my last pregnancy went anyway).  

To my future baby – Hi. I prayed for you for so long. I’ve loved you long before you were even conceived. I can’t freaking wait to meet you.