Manifest Psychosis

I’ve been really into the show Manifest

For those who don’t watch it, here is my cliff notes recap with some spoilers so that you sorta understand the rest of this –

“Flight 828 departs from Jamaica in April of 2013, during the routine flight, the plane withstands intense turbulence, but ultimately perseveres through it safely. Upon landing in New York the plane and its occupants are told that 5 and a half years have passed, it is now November 2018, and they have all been presumed dead. The show follows the passengers of 828 and the different ways this anomaly has affected their lives. While they all cope differently, they all now have one thing in common – whatever happened on that plane has connected them forever in a way they can not control. The passengers start having vivid hallucinations, what they refer to as “callings”. The Callings sometimes help them to solve crimes, seek out injustices, connect them to each other or their often-painful pasts. Each Calling is a puzzle of what exactly they must do in order for the hallucination to stop; if they don’t solve them, the calling intensifies, sometimes physically manifesting in/around the passenger(s). “

It’s a good show if you are looking for something to binge.

Anyway, here’s where I come in…

I started watching it while my husband and son were gone for a weekend, and as soon as they got home I started it over because I wanted to watch it with my husband. During episode 1, my husband looked over and jokingly said, “do you just like this because of your psychosis?”. We laughed at what my “callings” really meant.

The first time I heard someone counting down from 7, I propped up in my bed, scanning both the door and windows, waiting for someone to enter. I remember talking to my therapist and her asking “does that number mean anything to you?”… Well, sorta?? It was my husbands baseball number 8 years before I met him, am I supposed to play baseball with Reese? Is that a reach?

I once had a hallucination of my dad coming into my bedroom and releasing dozens of balloons, then abruptly turning away, and shutting the door behind him. I smelled the balloons, that powdery latex smell. I could hear the squeak of the balloons rubbing past each other as they ascended to crowd around the ceiling fan. I got up to go to the bathroom, nearly unphased at the celebration thrust upon me, and when I came back into the bedroom, they were gone. I asked if my dad had been in my room at all, he hadn’t. So what does this one mean? Did I miss someone’s birthday party? Was I supposed to plan a party?

What about the time I saw my living room on fire? It was hot, it crackled, the whole room engulfed in a storm of flames… Did that mean that my décor was tacky and I needed to update the frames on the walls?

It’s funny to joke about, but in all reality, when we first discovered my psychosis, we DID (and I guess, still do..) try to make sense of them. Tried to figure out what they “meant”. I think that’s human nature, to find answers. I think the real sickness would be experiencing psychosis and thinking nothing of it.

Oddly enough, it is so easy to have a “small” hallucination, ground myself out of it, then move on with my day and try to forget it happened. I try to stop myself from doing that - it isn’t healthy or helpful to normalize any of it. I try to always tell Whitney (my bada$$ therapist) or Reese about anything I see or hear, and in turn they ask me grounding questions or connection questions. i.e.) How did the dog react? Did anything seem out of place? How did the voice sound? How did the voice make you feel? What has stressed you out lately? Etc.

While writing this, I tried to think of any one “calling” I was able to effectively connect to a life event and I could not think of one. Sure, sometimes they happened more frequently around times I was stressed, but my stressors were never IN the hallucination.  

Maybe I do relate more to Manifest because their psychosis is a superpower, there is something therapeutic about someone using the thing that drained you as their weapon of choice. Even if its unrealistic, in its own way, it made me feel normal.

Also, telling people you have had a “calling” is WAY more normal sounding than saying “I’m hallucinating” so, I am hanging on to that verbiage.  

All that to say, if I have learned anything in this experience the last year and a half its this -

Its hard, and it sucks, but YOU are not the only one its happening to.

I have found SO much grace from moms, both friends and strangers, who tell me about their struggles. How they related to some part of my story. How they felt less alone, or were able to finally breakthrough to their own truths.

On the days when I feel like I am the crazy one, and crazier for publicizing it, I am so humbly reminded that my true calling is to keep telling my story for all those mommas who feel alone.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” Romans 8:28.

Three

I’m on 3 different psychotropic medications.

Three.

When I told my primary care physician that I was feeling down and unmotivated, she suggested it was surely just my ADHD having a hard time “getting back into the swing of things” after having a baby.

-Enter Psychotropic #1-

About 6 months later, I struggled with the will to live… every.single.day. No matter what I did - and believe me I tried it all - I wanted to die.

-Enter Psychotropic #2-

8 months after that, the depression felt controlled, but my hallucinations had gotten so out of control they were interrupting my perception of reality, causing panic attacks and getting in the way of day to day activities.

-Enter stage left, Psychotropic #3-

Three is a cool number though, right?

Its how many strikes a pitcher must get for an out. Its the number of outs each team gets in an inning.  

Its usually how many games of rock, paper, scissors my husband and I play to decide who has to change a poopy diaper.

I have 3 pets.

I have 3 sisters.

Most of my workouts are in sets of 3.

Lithium is the 3rd element on the periodic table. Did you know that? Lithium is also, a psychotropic drug. (not one that I am on, for the record)

Christianity is based on the Holy 3 – The God, The Son, The Holy Spirit.

October 3rd is Mean Girls day, I’m pretty sure…

3’s not so bad??

…… no???

Here’s the thing, I hate taking medicine.

It took months and near death or major loss for me to be okay with any of my prescriptions.

But I am doing it. For my husband. For my son. For myself. I’ll take my meds.

Hmph, look at that, 3 reasons….

I don’t want it to be this way forever.

Even typing that made my eyes water.

One by one, I’ll ween off of each one when I’m ready.

I can’t wait til I “feel ready”. When I can handle life on my God-given strength alone.

I’ll get there. I just need a lil help for now.

We’ll celebrate… with a big funfetti cake and in cursive, blue icing it’ll read, “you did it”

….another 3.

today, i took a shower.

I found the following entry in my journal, from a little over a year ago…

The girl who wrote this was trying so badly to find light in her dark. She carried the weight of a sinking depression and hid it almost TOO well.

I wish I could tell her how well she was doing, how cool that lil 4 month old would be in a year. I wouldn’t tell her that this was the beginning of his sleeplessness that lasted another 9 months. But mostly, I wish I could tell her how she overcame this, and I wish I could tell her that she WILL make it out alive.

“June 3rd, 2020

Today, my teething, sleepless 4-month-old fell asleep in his walker. I took pictures of the cuteness and picked him up, fully expecting this to jolt him awake as normally any mundane sound does.

He stayed asleep.

I took him into his bedroom, turned on the sound machine and laid him in his crib. I expected his eyes to flutter open and to hear him start his rebuttal.

He stayed asleep.

I walked away and shut the door behind me. I stood in silence, waiting for his final “got cha” moment.

He stayed asleep.

Immediately I thought about every little thing I needed to do to make this the most of this unexpected nap.

I could finish up my homework for my master’s program. I could wrap up the work project I had been working on for a few days (mostly in the early morning hours when the baby would fall back asleep at 4 am and I knew I was clear until my husband left for work at 6:30). I could finish our taxes. I could make that call I’d put off for a few weeks… or a month, I’m not quite sure at this point. I could do the dishes. I could fold the laundry. I could strip the beds and wash the sheets. I could start prepping dinner.

The list kept going.

I looked at the monitor, he was OUT. None of those things, not today.

Today, I took a shower.

I washed my face, like really washed it, not just quickly taking my make up off or rubbing soap on it hurriedly while my conditioner soaked.

I took the time to find my good face wash, my circular brush, and I washed my face.

I washed my hair, I even ran a deep conditioner in and shaved my legs while it “settled”

I glanced at the monitor; he was still asleep.

I sat down and let the water run over my face, something I haven’t done since my pregnancy. I started to cry.

To be honest, I was surprised it took me so long. Teething has done a number on my normally restful, right on schedule, happy baby. He hasn’t slept in a few days. He has screamed most of the day. He has refused my nipple, a bottle, and a spoon feed… except for at 1 am, or 3 am, he seems to be okay eating then.

I sunk into the water.

Up until now, today I felt like I lost. Just like the day before. Defeated by noon, once again. I was tired, I was angry, I was overwhelmed, I was easily flustered-with my work, with my son, with my husband, even my dang dogs had sent me over the edge.

And then, I took a shower.

Today, I took a shower. Because I wanted to, not because the baby needed to, or because I hadn’t in a while, or because I got pooped on, or whatever else.

Today I showered, for me. Something routine I used to take for granted truly felt like a gift.

Today, I took a shower. I learned that self-care is not just ‘self’-care when so many are depending on you.

Today, taking a shower was the best thing I could do for my son. It was the best thing I could do for my marriage. It bettered my family, it refreshed my mind, it restarted my day.

I am levelheaded, I am rested, I am restored.

Today, I took a shower.”

the beginning

Let’s start from the beginning. As in, my very first primitive blog post on instagram….

(see instagram for all post prior to publishing the website in july 2021, y’all know I don’t have it together enough to go back that far)

At 3 months post partum I started to feel an overwhelming amount of guilt. The pressures of everyday life were to much to bear, and the main thing that pulled me through were the moments I got to breastfeed my son.

I slowly started recognizing how bad things were getting. It hurt to get out of bed. It hurt to think about all the things that needed to get done. I was constantly putting pressure on my self to “be productive”. That’s when the ~thoughts~ started.

It started off as “if I didn’t exist, x wouldn’t be a problem” or “They deserve someone better, who can handle this”

It slowly developed to “I could drive into to headlights”, “It would look like an accident”, “they would be better off if i were dead”

A sweet boy with a sweeter smile who was attached to my hip (well, my boob), was my constant reminder of the little life who depended on me, and I would absolutely never put him in harms way. Every moment with him saved my life, day after day.

And then it was time for him to start daycare so I could work. That’s when panic set in. I was afraid to drive. Afraid to be by myself. Afraid I would do something impulsive. That’s when I was sure this was bigger than me and I could no longer manage it on my own and I started seeking help.

The day I sought help, I became a better wife, a better mom, and a better me

Seeking help changed my life, but it didn’t put an end to my problems. It really was just the beginning of my journey